© 2014 John Casimir O'Keefe

Dear Ann: (So You Don’t Like Soccer)

Dear Ann,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you Ann? I feel like I know you, with all those MEMEs floating around Facebook about you and your views – it’s like you’re my kindly-creepy old aunt who hordes old news papers, empty bottle, used pie tins and has more cats than anyone is allowed. Recently I have the pleasure of reading your article concerning your views on soccer. Now, I hate to admit it, but I kind of agree with you on one point, I don’t care much for soccer either. Keep in mind, I don’t care any organized sports. I started to pull away from organized sports when I saw billionaires arguing with millionaires about who get a share of the money. I enjoy watching sports when kids and teens play, they have fun – they enjoy the game and simply want to play because they love the game. Yes, for me organized sports fell into the same category as take-and-bake pizza. Now, even though I agree with you on that point, I would disagree with you on all other points.

So, let me take this opportunity to address you (as if you even cares what I have to say) concerning some of your points:


“Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer.”

Really Ann? I guess you forgot that all teams sports are just that, team sports, played by individuals. Your idea that “In a real sport” individual players stand “alone at the plate” does not negate the reality that if the player strikes out, the team losses, if the player hits a home run, the team wins. This may be hard for you to understand (not sure you ever played a team sport, or any sport for that matter), but team sports are just that, team sports.


What I find so interesting is that in Soccer, unlike other team sports, the players truly have to understand the nature of the team, and of team work. Individual players are not out to seek individual stardom (though some have received it) they see the team as having great value. Now I can understand your inability to understanding team play, you are a Republican and as of late, your team is not playing well together.


“No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.”

I will admit, this point has to be just the silliest point you strives to make, could be why it is only two lines. With this point I can say for certain you never had children, knows no one who has children, and has never been around children. Your claim, “Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys” seems silly, at best.


“No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.”

Yeah, I’ll give you this one, to a point. You see, the “0:0” score has less to do with the how bad the game is and more to do with how good the teams are – how good teamwork works. Now, I do understand you are not big on team playing and you value the individual over the team, but the idea that two equally matched teams can play against each other and neither score against the other shows the talent and skills of the team, and how well they work together. I guess for you, the idea should be that one team smashes the other team, beats them into submission, and show them who’s in charge. You seems to be driven by the “half-dozen 300-pound bruisers” trying to crush someone else – wait, you can’t be. Because, “a half-dozen” players working together to smash the other team means they are working as a team, without starving individual accomplishment. I know of no football player or baseball player who would say “I won the game” – for them, their sports are team sports where the team wins.


“The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport.”

So, sports must have an element of violence to be a sport? Likening a sporting event to a war seems… well… very Republican (I think they like war). When you says, “After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded” I wonder if you are interested in the game, or the violence and injuries that can come from the game.


“You can’t use your hands in soccer.”

Ann, I know you are not a Scientist (like most Republicans) but let me share a bit about your idea concerning an “opposable thumb.” You say, “What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs.” Now, I will be kind and not comment on a Republican using the idea that people have souls that would be too easy, and would be a cheap shot. Please allow me to share a bit of science with you (I know, I’m sorry).


Looking at the thumb, there are four possible realities, a non-opposable thumb, which would include mammals like the tarsiers and the marmosets; a pseudo-opposable thumb, which would include all strepsirrhines and cebidae; the opposable thumb, which would include all Old World monkeys, all great apes and yes, humans (I know this would go against your views of evolution – if you have one – but it needed to be shared); an opposable with comparatively long thumbs which would include gibbons, or lesser apes. The idea of an opposable thumb has nothing to do with separating us from “the lesser beasts.” You are remembering your fifth grade science wrong.


“I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer.”

Who is force feeding soccer on anyone? You are not required to watch it – change the channel. No one is “demanding” you watch anything. Just so you know Ann, soccer is catching on – deal with it. Just so you realize, the reason we are not “endlessly told how exciting football is” is because, well, it’s not. (this also addresses your point that “soccer is not catching on.”) Please understand that most of the people I know watch the Super bowl, not for the game but because they play really cool commercials during the game. It is the only time I know when people DVR the game, and fast forward through the game to catch the commercials.


You could be right when you wrote that “The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN.” Is that a “bad” TV share? Could be, so because the share was so low we should not have soccer on TV, I get that – let’s carry your (poor) logic over to other things as well, since 1960, (when stats first came out), and with the exception of 1976, 1992 and 2008, the Republican Convention[1] has had a share below 18.2 million viewers. What should we do about that?



“It’s foreign.”

Interesting point, because so is pizza, tacos, wine, beer, and so are many other things we have in our lives. Why is being foreign wrong? I’m foreign, so are you. To be honest, I don’t care if the French like it, the French also like eating snails – not my cup of tea. People are enjoying the game because it is a rather interesting sport to watch. I also find it funny that a Republican would mention how the game is not catching on with “African-Americans” – like you truly care what is and is not important to African-Americans.


Did you really mean that only people who could trace their lineage back to their great-grand father being born in America are true Americans? You do realize that by that account, most of us are not “American?” I get it, how dear that silly Kennedy open the boarders of “Your American” to those non-English speaking foreigners with love soccer. It would be like letting those lazy hurling loving Irish coming here (you might have to do a web search on hurling).


“Soccer is like the metric system”

When you say that do you mean that it is easier to understand over a system with inches, feet, yards, and miles? I love your statement that liberals love it because “it’s European” – your also European (I know, mind blowing, right). Her is a bit of history (I know, for Republicans an accurate look at history falls a close second to an accurate view of science), the “father” of the metric system was Bishop John Wilkins (The Church of England).

Bishop Wilkins published a paper describing what he called “decimal metric system” on April 13, 1668 (notice, he was not French, and had nothing to do with the French Revolution). Keep in mind that a Swedish Astronomer named Anders Celsius invented calculating temperature based on the “Celsius Scale” and a German physicist named Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit gave us the “Fahrenheit System” – both European. Now I know you do not like the Celsius Scale because it was “invented” by a European, but so was your beloved Fahrenheit Scale. Wait, did you also know that the measurement we use in America (inch, foot, yards, and miles) also came from those liberal Europeans, or worse (in your mind) the Middle East?

I completely understand your statement that, “Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous.” It is ridiculous, after all you are a conservative, and the last thing anyone should do is expect you to be rational.


Thank you for your time

John Casimir O’Keefe


[1] http://uspolitics.about.com/od/elections/l/bl_historical_tv_ratings_RNC.htm


  1. Mark Young
    Posted 2014/06/28 at 4:51 am | #

    John, This was a great response to some pretty profound stupidity. I love reading your blog, and find you have a clearer view of the world than most people I know. Thanks for sharing. One thing though… your response to that woman would have carried more weight if you had taken the time to proof-read your work.

  2. James
    Posted 2014/06/28 at 1:35 pm | #

    I totally agree with you on every point, but I have to wonder when rational people of all sorts are simply going to quit giving Ms. Coulter the time of day. Every response is just more of the attention she craves. Every click on an article featuring her unique brand of bigotry and hate only helps to boost her appeal to advertisers and fanatics. And I guess I just helped her cause…damn.

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